Sunday, October 6, 2013

[ACGN] Mermail Abyssbalaen

Well, yes of course, this is new. ACGN as in the Angry Card Game Nerd (no relation to AVGN). And probably the only one ever, as I am only to this day upset about the card design of one card. A card that has such a horrible flaw in its design but such a fantastic artwork. It is also from my favourite archtype of the newer generation and that is probably why I am so upset. I liked Judgment way more then what this turned out to be. Hell I'd rather have it banned with an enormous effect then what this is.

I present you:

From upper left to lower right: Mermail Abyssbalaen, Mermail Abyssbalaen, Mermail Abyssbalaen, Mermail Abyssbalaen, Mermail Abyssbalaen and Mermail Abyssbalaen.
Where do I start? Oh I know, I tell you a little bit about this beautiful whale. His name is, if you haven't guessed it by now, Mermail Abyssbalaen and is one of the big sea monsters like Abyssmegalo, Abyssteuss and Abyssleed. He has 2500 ATK and 2000 DEF which is cool and all, is Aqua, so you cannot search it with Dragoons and is level 7 like the other ones. So far so good. Now we come to the effect:

You can discard 4 other "Mermail" monsters to the Graveyard; Special Summon this card from your hand.

This is where most people stop reading. This isn't going to happen like at all. But I thought to myself, hell, if a monster requires me to discard THAT many SPECIFIC monsters, it has to have some very fucking awesome effect:

When you do: Target card your opponent control, up to the number of "Mermail" monsters in your Graveyard (if possible); this card gains 500 ATK, and if it does, destroy those targets (if any).

Ok, that looks good. On the first thought it looked like some kind of Black Rose Dragon that didn't touch your field. It looked like it could even replace Leed as it could make a use out of those dead hands where you have like 20 Megalos in your hand (exaggeration). And as you read further you even read that it has a nice niche effect to get over face-down monsters without worrying about their effects.

You can Tribute 1 other face-up Attack Position "Mermail" monster; this card gains the following effect this turn.
● At the start of the Damage Step, if this card battles a Defense Position monster: Destroy that monster.

So what can go wrong with this card? EVERY FUCKING THING CAN GO WRONG WITH THIS CARD!

Lets get back to the summoning effect:

You can discard 4 other "Mermail" monsters to the Graveyard; Special Summon this card from your hand. When you do: Target card your opponent control, up to the number of "Mermail" monsters in your Graveyard (if possible); this card gains 500 ATK, and if it does, destroy those targets (if any).

I am talking about a little wording that makes the whole first effect more crap then every other card ever.

...; this card gains 500 ATK, and if it doesdestroy those targets (if any).

As an explanation for people not understanding what I am getting at here, that little wording with "if it does" means, he cannot gain his 500 ATK points if he isn't face-up on the field, so he has to stay face-up on the field to get his effect.

You read right. FACE-UP ON THE FIELD TO GET THE EFFECT. YOU JUST DISCARDED 4 FUCKING MERMAIL MONSTER AND KONAMI THINKS YOU SHOULD HAVE IT TO STAY FACE-UP ON THE FIELD. NO IT ISN'T ALREADY HARD ENOUGHT THAT IT COULD GET VEILER'D OR FIENDISH CHAIN'D OR BREAKTHROUGH SKILL'D OR SOLEMN WARNING'D. NO, LET'S ADD TO THAT LIST BOTTOMLESS TRAP HOLE, COMPULSORY EVACUATION DEVICE, TORRENTIAL TRIBUTE, BOOK OF MOON, BOOK OF ECLIPSE, SPELLBOOK OF FATE (HE DOESN'T EVEN HAVE TO BANISH IT, HE CAN JUST PUT IT FACE-DOWN), RAIGEKI BREAK, PHOENIX WING WIND BLAST!

Oh but Lord Bunilla, there is always Forbidden Lance if you want him so hard.

YEAH, WELL FUCK YOU, SURELY YOU CAN DO THAT IF YOU HAVE THAT LANCE IN YOUR HAND AS YOUR SIXTH CARD. YOU DISCARDED 4 OTHER MERMAILS. YOU DON'T HAVE THAT LANCE. YOU HAVE A MARKSMAN THAT YOU RATHER WANTED TO DISCARD. AND THAT MARKSMAN IS NOW HOME ALONE WITH NOTHING ON YOUR FIELD. IF YOU SUMMON THIS MOTHERFUCKER YOU HOPEFULLY PRAY TO BUNILLA YOUR OPPONENT DOESN'T HAVE ONE OF THOSE THOUSAND FUCKING CARDS THAT CAN GET RID OF THIS BUNILLA FORSAKEN CARD AND HIS EFFECT. IT IS PRETTY MUCH A SELF-DESTRUCT BUTTON WITHOUT TAKING YOUR OPPONENT WITH YOU IN THE ABYSS.

THIS CARD IS THE PRIME EXAMPLE HOW ONE LITTLE WORDING CAN MAKE THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A DECENT NICHE CARD THAT CAN BE TECHED AND SURPRISE YOUR OPPONENT AND A LAUGHABLE CARD THAT HAS NO PURPOSE TO EXIST AT ALL WITH SUCH A FUCKING GREAT ARTWORK.

I HAVE NO IDEA WHO THERE ON KONAMI FOUND IT FUNNY TO DESTROY THIS BEAUTIFUL WHALE. HE HAS ALL RIGHTS TO EXIST EXCEPT HE DOESN'T BECAUSE OF HIS WORDING. IT IS LIKE ALL KONAMI CARES FOR IS CARDS THAT SELL AND MAKE THE CRAP CARDS EVEN MORE CRAPPY INSTEAD OF DECENT.

Don't get me wrong! I love Konami and Yu-Gi-Oh! as a trading card game, but it is cards like this that make me angry, so angry that you might call it rage, rage that is specifically located in the westernmost county of Long Island, New York. Also known as BROOKLYN!

IMAGINE A KID. A KID LIKING WATER MONSTERS. HE LIKES THE MERMAILS AS THEY ARE SO BIG AND AWESOME. HE PLAYS WITH THEM. HE BOUGHT A PACK OF LORD OF THE TACHYON GALAXY AND GOT HOW LUCKY HE IS A MERMAIL ABYSSBALAEN. HE LOOKS AT IT AND LIKES IT SOOO MUCH HE BUILDS A FUCKING DECK AROUND IT. HE THINKS, OMG SO COOL HE DESTROYS EVERYTHING. HE PLAYS TRIPLE BALAEN JUST TO GET HIM AS SOON AS POSSIBLE TO HIS HAND. HE PLAYS AT HIS CASUAL TOURNAMENT WHERE HE IS SURPRISED THAT NONE OF HIS FRIENDS LIKES TO PLAY BALAEN. BUT HE DOESN'T CARE, HE LIKES HIS WHALE. HIS SUPER FUDGED MEGA AWESOME GIGA CHOCOLATE HYPER WHALE OF MEGA DESTRUCTION. AND HE PLAYS IT. HE SUMMONS IT AND ON THE LOWER TABLES NOBODY HAS SOMETHING LIKE THOSE CARDS I MENTIONED BEFORE READY TO DESTROY BALAEN AND HE IS LIKE, OMG, MY WHALE IS SO AWESOME. AND THEN, ROUND 3 OF HIS LOCAL TOURNAMENT, HE PLAYS AGAINST A PRO. HE SUMMONS BALAEN. DISCARDS 2 MEGALOS, A TEUSS AND EVEN A GUNDE. AND THEN HIS OPPONENT IS LIKE, LOL FIENDISH CHAIN. A DISSAPPOINTMENT OF COURSE, THAT CAN HAPPEN, BILLY, WE CALL HIM BILLY, THINKS. HE NEVER GIVES UP, JUST LIKE HIS FAVOURITE ANIME CHARACTER OF ALL TIMES, MAKO TSUNAMI (TO THINK OF IT, THIS DECK IS LIKE MAKO MAKING LOVE WITH THE OCEAN).

AND THEN IT HAPPENS, IT IS ROUND 4, BILLY LOST THE ROUND BEFORE. HE PLAYS ANOTHER TIME, THIS TIME AGAINST HIS FRIEND. HE SUMMONS BALAEN, HIS FRIEND PLAYS BOTTOMLESS TRAP HOLE. HE THEN ASKS IF THE EFFECT STILL WORKS, WHICH BILLY THINKS IT SHOULD, JUST LIKE BLACK ROSE DRAGON, BUT TO BE SURE THEY CALL OVER THE JUDGE. THE JUDGE COMES OVER AND EXPLAINS THAT BALAEN HAS TO STAY FACE-UP ON THE FIELD TO ACTIVATE HIS EFFECT AS HE CAN'T INCREASE HIS ATTACK POINTS IF HE ISN'T. TO EXPLAIN IT FURTHER HE MAKES THOSE EXAMPLES I MADE. FOR BILLY A WORLD GETS DESTROYED. HIS BELOVED WHALE BETRAYS ON HIM. HIS LOVELY MOBY DICK FUCKS ALL OVER HIS IMAGINATION OF HOW HE SHOULD WORK, AND EVEN THOUGHT HE LOVES BALAEN, HE KNOWS, HE SHOULDN'T BE PLAYING HIM AT ALL. HE ESPECIALLY MENTIONS THAT WHEN HE LOOSES THE ROUND 5 TOO BECAUSE OF THAT.

THIS IS WHERE BILLY GETS SAD.

And this is where I get sad. Billy isn't able to play his loveable card because it sucks ass.

Even thought people think Larvae Moth is bad. Like the most bad card ever. I think, Mermail Abyssbalaen deservers the medal for being the most poorly designed card ever. Poorer then Karood. There are no words to describe on how bad it is designed.

This article is in memories of Abyssbalaen. And that imaginary kid called Billy. May they rest in peace


~~ Lord Bunilla

1 comment:

  1. Dude, just saying, but it would be too overrated if it could destroy at least 4 cards on your opponents field. Konami isn't trolling or anything, they're just making things more fair for, well, everyone else not playing Mermails. Having a monster that can automatically destroy 4 cards is overrated enough for me.

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